27. Waiting for marriage. Difficult? “Bleep” yes!!
As a little girl, I thought about the day I married my prince.
When I got a little older, I was scared that he would leave because when I was almost 4, I watched my dad (“dada”) involuntarily leave this world.
I’ve healed over the years and think I have a healthy relationship with the men in my life (uncles, guy-friends, brother-types, etc.). I have great relationships with my friends and family. I do what I love and get paid for it. I also have a job I enjoy. But there are times when I feel like I’m still missing something.
In the past, I’ve been dumb enough to tell a couple boyfriends this and both of them who I told unanimously said that I needed sex. With them. Soon.
I’m never okay with being pushed to do anything, but a million things went through my head at those moments. I actually considered giving up that part of myself. Not to make it so dramatic, but after the times I’ve come close to giving myself to a guy who wasn’t my husband and he ended up disappearing from my life after I wouldn’t give up the goods, well, I felt disgusting. I was a bit liberated for about half a second until I realized I was just letting the frustration build.
Now to be 27 and single is hard enough. It’s a million times harder when you’re a virgin…and waiting until marriage.
Waiting is not for the weak. In fact, sometimes I wonder why I am. I ultimately have deeply-rooted ethical and health reasons, but in the heat of the moment, when passion is ablaze and hearts are thumping, logic and morals can flee as quickly as you found yourself on your back. If you’re not careful. I’ve had to be extremely careful.
I’m a writer. I am always thinking up new scenarios, character dynamics, and dialog. Even more than that, I am a visual person with a sometimes overactive imagination. You do the math. It’s hard to keep it under wraps. Difficult, I should say difficult.
To share my romantic roster may make me look like that girl we all know who always has a boyfriend, but every time we see her, she’s with someone new. Well, I’m not like that. The thing in the past has been that when a boyfriend learns that I won’t sleep with him unless we’re married, he either ridicules me for it or says it’s fine before gradually disappearing. MIA. For a while, I thought it was something I was doing to drive them away.
Could it have been the fact that I have a few extra pounds on my body? Well, they have eyes and could see me before asking me out, so that couldn’t have been it.
Was I too smart? Too naive? Too uptight?
I would analyze things like this to the point of almost going crazy. Tired of my own thoughts. But nothing ever seemed to click as a problem.
Then I remembered something I remembered my mom saying when I was a little girl. “Never change yourself for someone else. Not even a man.” As a 4th or 5th grader, I had no idea what she meant. I didn’t even know who I was yet. But I’m glad she said that.
I once had a boyfriend who I never told that I was a virgin…he just guessed. I affirmed his suspicion and asked him what made him say that. He told me that I was just so pure and seemed like a virgin. I counted this an accomplishment considering that the first boyfriend I had out of high school (who was also my first kiss) wanted to take me through the motions leading up to his happy ending. I was naive and didn’t know anything about innuendos, dirty jokes, or foreplay. But he figured that if he can get me comfortable with that, he could persuade me to “go all the way.”
I learned so many things from this guy that I cringe at the thought of my daughters learning them. I felt like I needed some kind of supernatural cleansing after him and I was desperate to unknow all those things. They dominated my mind and I hated everything I thought.
He tried to change me. In fact, I think all except maybe 2 of them had the goal of persuading me to change the virginal part of myself. I never have.
I say this to say that there have been many, MANY times where I wanted to just throw it all away. Everything I worked this hard for. (Yes, it’s very hard work, no pun intended.) I’ve even watched people who were in middle school when I was officially entering adulthood, get married recently. I’m glad for them, but I’ve wondered when it’s my turn. Waiting for the right person is difficult to begin with. Add to it the measure of insurmountable sexual frustration, but not doing anything about it.
I’m not waiting because I’m “lame” or undesirable. Definitely not for the fact that I’m nervous. I won’t tell you how I know I’m not nervous, but trust me on that. A woman knows when she knows what she’s doing. Even men and women who have decided to wait have sexual thoughts, desires, and urges that feel insurmountable.
I’m waiting for more reasons than I could ever make up excuses for, including:
My health. I’ll skip the STD’s, thank you!
My future family. (I don’t want to tell my kids, “Oh, your mom was promiscuous back in the day”).
My self-respect. Deny it if you want, but a woman feels worse about herself when doing anything she regrets.
My relationship with God. Don’t you think the Creator of the World knows a thing or two and has a reason for saying to wait until marriage?!?
My husband. He deserves all of me. Every part. After all, the right man has waited with me.